Bitchy Rant #1509

I've Got Standards, For Literature.

In order to make a novel irresistible to me, there are only a few simple criteria that need to be met:

A] Reference historical apocrypha, legend, or unsolved mystery
B] Reveal a hidden "factual" foundation to the legend
C] Insert enough legit-sounding details to make it sound academic and well-researched. Add invented footnotes and citations to taste.
D] Top with a long-running international conspiracy theory to add spice.
E] Shake well and publish.

This shit is like crack to me. In fact, I spent all of yesterday reading "The Historian," a bestseller from a few years ago that squarely hits all of these nails on the head. Like The Da Vinci Code, but with better characterization and less plagiarism.











With visions of Dracula and Cold War-era intrigue still dancing in my head, I stopped by the library this afternoon, intent on finding something similarly titillating and addictive for my winter evenings. Hopping off the bus, I congratulated myself for choosing the public library instead of temptation-laded used bookstores.

(New Year's Resolution: save money/no more book-buying until I finish the gazillion unread books I've got at home.)

But my pleasure at this burst of self-discipline did not last long. "Maybe it's just the reading habits of this neighborhood," I told myself. "The librarians are just doing their job. All of these stacks of trashy novels- this is just what the folks in this neighborhood have requested, it's what they want to read."

Making my way down the few aisles of the fiction section, these were the plots I saw in 90% of the books:

-Romance novel masquerading as midlife existential crisis: marriage falls apart; woman takes risks, finds her true self, and discovers the love of her life.

-Romance novel masquerading as historical fiction: life in 16th-century England/14th-century Italy/1st-century BCE Egypt is stifling for beautiful, headstrong woman; she takes risks, finds her true self, and discovers the love of her life.

-Romance novel masquerading as murder mystery or thriller. Man has been wronged (by a woman or a male comrade); he seeks revenge, takes risks, and discovers the true love of his life.


Also:
-Books that have been made into Oscar-winning movies and/or have been featured on Oprah.
-Required reading for high school literature class.
-Chuck Palahniuk.

HOLY FUCK, IS IT SO HARD TO FIND A DECENT BRAINLESS BOOK THESE DAYS? I do not want to read another 200-page book in which a shabby adventure plot serves as the vehicle for an undercooked, one-dimensional romance with sex scenes that read like junior high fan fiction.

If I wanted that, I could've just gone to Borders.

I wouldn't even mind that every single one has the same female character and the same male character that do the same things with only the most minute variations. I wouldn't mind all the stories of suburban adultery and tortured masculinity and leading ladies afflicted with Princess Buttercup-syndrome. I could maybe even handle the fact that there's not a single queer, not even a stereotyped one, to be found. I could do this, if I could be assured in any way of literary and artistic merit to be found in their pages.

But since I found no such assurance, I settled for an Umberto Eco book and slunk back out the library doors. Next time, I'll just play it safe and stick with nonfiction.



Eyes in a book, ears to the street,




Jenn H.